I understand

Sunday, 14th September 2014

‘Don’t worry. I understand.’ I’ve used that line far too many times and it’s never hurt less each time I use it.

I won’t understand. I don’t think I will ever understand why it’s okay to point out the faults and misgivings in someone and then say ‘I hope you understand. I only mean to help you.’

Well you know what? I’m tired of understanding! I’m tired of saying that I do when I honestly don’t. What makes the derogatory way with which you speak to me and the people I love okay? How does anything ever begin to justify the way you spoke those words to me? There are ways to tell me I was wrong. I’ll admit that I was. I made a mistake. Several in fact. But I’ve apologized. I’ve rectified them and I’ve tried not to repeat them. I’m still trying. It doesn’t help when you dig that grave up and rip open what I try to bury and change. I’m capable of changing. I already have but you’ll never see it because you refuse to look for it. To you I’ll always be that girl that could never live up to your expectations. The girl that failed you and continues to do so. I no longer care what you say about me. It hurts but that’s for me to know. For me alone to know.

However, I refuse to let you do the same to her. She has me. She’ll always have me even if we fight and argue. Our quarrels make us stronger and I know that. I will never condone you saying the same things to her to help her ‘grow’ as you put it. Constantly reminding her that she didn’t succeed in what she’d set out to do is no way to help her grow. Making her cry, reminding her that she disappointed you, not saying that you forgive her and that everything will be okay. Not holding her when she cries because it hurts her knowing she didn’t achieve the goal she’d set for herself, but instead saying it’s her own fault for not working when she’d clearly done so. Not being mindful of the fact that people talk. They always have regarding us, and despite you knowing that you being the worst critic. The worst bully. None of these things will help her grow. None of these things will help her move on. They’ll only break her like they did me.

I implore you to stop. Please.

Just stop.